美國史丹福大學的 Dr Luskin 對原諒/寬恕(Forgiveness)的詮釋,令我深受啟發:

Forgiveness is not “how do I get over what my mother-in-law did, or what this person did?” but the elemental question inside all of these issues is “I didn’t get something I wanted. I got no.”

“I wanted my partner to be faithful. They were not faithful. I got no."

“I wanted somebody to tell the truth. They told a lie. I got no."

But it’s so important to be able to understand the unitary experience of this, of objecting to the way life is, and trying to substitute the way I want it to be, and then getting upset when my substitution doesn’t take.

The essence of forgiveness is the ability to be resilient when things don’t go the way you want.

And to be able to after grieving be at peace with no, be at peace with what is, be at peace with the vulnerability inherent in human life, that we can’t always make things the way we want, and be able to without prejudice lead our lives.

The forgiveness is the lack of prejudice. The open heartedness of the moving forward. It’s an acceptance without prejudice. It’s not just that I accept it because life sucks, and there’s nothing I can do about it – that may be true, but I accept it in a way that I’m willing to give the next moment a chance.

That’s the acceptance,“I’m willing to give the next moment a chance. I don‘t have to punish you because of what somebody else did.”

And it all is, another way of putting this, is can I use resilience enough to be able to handle “no” when it comes by way?

Can I forgive whenever it is that caused me no, and can I forgive my unskillful responses that might have intensified it, or made it last too long?

The essence of forgiveness is being resilient when things don’t go your way, that is, being able to handle “no" when you wanted or expected a “yes" in life.

It is the ability to make peace with the word “no" after grieving.


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